My Eternal Silence
by Palena
Summary: Paine ponders her silent thoughts while looking out at the sky. R&R Please.


Disclaimer: I don't own FFX-2 or its characters.  'Nuff said.

The orange, evening sky zoomed by outside the window, a few puffs of clouds littering the heavens.  I suppose I've seen this tranquil scene a lot over the course of my travels with the Gullwings, but I never really noticed it until now.  Just like I've overlooked a number of other seemingly insignificant things throughout my life.

I guess, with all things considered, a lot of memories I dwelled on paled in comparison to what I should've been thinking about.

Crying over spilt milk is never going to help anyone unless they decide to clean it up, but I know I can't clean up my past, no matter how much I think my brooding is shifting time backward.  I suppose Yuna really did teach me something about the past and to follow my own advice.  Maybe I do need to let go and just hope that some things will right themselves.  Maybe everything will end up fine and it will go back to the way things used to be, before the Crimson Squad and Vegnagun.

Then again, maybe not.

It's not as if all the survivors of the Crimson Squad atrocity can march up to the temple of Bevelle and expect to accomplish anything.  We wouldn't get very far.  There are only four of us, not including the masters overseeing the whole ordeal.  Of course, from what I heard of Yuna's stories of the true Yevon, all the masters might've been dead at the time anyway.  They were simply wandering souls, unsent, and unaffected by the concept of innocent lives lost simply to cover up a secret.  It's somewhat ironic to think that they tried so hard to conceal the truth, and yet, it was still uncovered.  All I know is that their deeds are unforgivable, and the rest of my former Crimson Squad group and I are going to have to endure our past for the rest of our lives.

Whether we like it or not.

The sun continues its steady movement downward, the oranges now blending into blues, and the cloud slowly disappearing.  One thing I like about life: There are some things that are always constant, like the sun. It stays on its course of day and night, never changing or altering.  I don't know if I'll ever get used to a predictable life, mainly because I've spent so long not knowing what was going to be around the next corner.  I don't think I'll ever trust that everything will stay the same.  Hoping for a simple, peaceful life is like trying to walk through Bikanel Desert without getting sand in my boots.  It's impossible, unless you try really hard. At least, that's how it is for me.  It's not that I want a peaceful life, that would be boring. I think I just want things to go my way, as it has for everyone else, all my friends.

The adventure is over now, and everyone's gone home to be with the ones they love. Yuna and Tidus have settled down at Besaid in a nice tent next to Lulu and Wakka's.  Rikku and Gippal, though denying that they are dating, have decided to go back to Bikanel and help rebuild Home. They did what was expected, but, for some reason, I feel that I have left something unfinished.  As if my story isn't ready for a new chapter just yet.  This is why I am still aboard the Celsius, sitting in the cabin and looking out the window at the night sky zooming by.

I told Brother that I was just going to ride along, and I would tell him where I needed to go when I figured out the answer to the question myself.  Where do I need to go?  Reliving my past doesn't seem like the most appealing idea right now…nor does going to visit all my old friends.  They're busy with their own problems, and I'm not really the type of person that opens up the picture albums and remembers all the good times, mainly because I don't have any good times.  It's sad, really.  I keep looking out at the sky as if it's going to give me an answer to all my questions, but I know all it's going to do is gaze back at me with deaf ears.

I've heard so many lies…been betrayed so many times I've stopped counting.  Too much has happened in my life for me to just simply start over with a clean slate.  Just when I think I know what's going on, something horrific happens.  First, my parents, lost to Sin.  Then the Crimson Squad massacre. And then…Vegnagun. The three of us weren't trying to save the world.  On the contrary, we were trying to forget everything that happened that started our unhappy lives and memories.  And it was working, for a time. When the Crimson spheres came, and Shinra was showing them to Yuna, it was all I could do to not break down.  It all rushed back into my mind with one fell swoop…it's as if my past doesn't want me to forget.

As if it wants me to torture myself with knowing what I went through over my lifetime so far.

Now, the darkness has settled in the sky, and I can barely see my hand in front of my face.  I contemplated turning on the light for a while, but I decided not to.  I'm the only one in here, anyway.  I think I might have to, though, eventually.  The darkness seems to be pulsing around me, as if it was some overwhelming force sneaking in the shadows.  It seems to know I'm still wallowing in my guilt and despair.  I wonder if the darkness can answer my silent questions.  It seems to always be the only one to hear my true thoughts and feelings.  It makes me wonder if I need to change my outlook on life, and open myself up to my friends.

Opening myself up…I sound like a self-help booklet…

Should I change?  Do I need to change?  Do the people around me need me to change?  I listen for an answer…Silence.  That word explains my life.  I was silent during my parents' burials, I was silent about the Crimson Squad massacre, fearing for my life, or else I would've spoken out against Yevon.

Silence.

It's so loud.  It's so loud and so overwhelming sometimes, that you wonder if it's really silence, or if you're just hearing something that you don't recognize.  Like a distant echo, or a small noise from nearby. Then, when it gets to a point where you can't stop it from approaching, you simply give into the silence, and break down.  This is the point where I turn on the light, and take a deep, calm breath as I bask in the sudden brightness.  But, for now, I don't need to turn on the light. My mind is clear.  I'm not overwhelmed.

And one day, I will open up and speak what I've been holding in for so long. The silence will be vanquished, leaving an opening for a new chapter in my story, and a much brighter future.


End file.
